Thinking alot about life

I love that Marilyn Monroe quote.  I want that to be my next tattoo.  So I

haven't blogged in awhile. Not that many people actually read my blog anyway haha.  I've been busy with Physical Therapy and Dr. stuff.  I'm also working on my beauty site which seems to be taking forever but I don't care because I want it to be perfect.  Well anyways I've been thinking so much about life lately and the way things were and the way they are now.  I would have never thought that my life would end up the way it did!  I was always a little off and sick with random things.  Now that I know I have Multiple Sclerosis it makes sense.  It's annoying though because no where to lie every other week it is something new with my health.  Most people think I'm crazy or making it up but whatever.  I know how things really are and if you were truly close to me you would know and understand as well.  There is something wrong with my hip it has holes in it, also its 40% off from the other hip.  I've been doing physical therapy for it and it sucks!!! I truly hate it but I don't have much of a choice.  I don't know what will end up happening with it but I'll just have to ride it out and see.  I was thinking about when I was younger and I'd talk to my friends and say "Oh when I'm 25 I'm going to have this and that and this." I don't really have anything.  I did go to school so that's good I do have a degree in Medical billing, coding, and transcription.  I can't work though because of lesions on my spine and I'm sick all the time.  That's another thing that bothers me alot I hate letting people down when I can't hang out.  I feel if they are a true friend they would understand that though and not get mad or judge or think you're lying.  I know that most of my family understands and Mike is starting to understand more and Krista gets it becaue she is also sick. Speaking of Krista I finally met her!!! It was exciting. Me and her could have a conversation that starts at 12AM and goes unitl 12PM. We think alot alike.  I think she knows exactly where I am comming from because she is sick as well.  It's nice to have a friend going through the same thing. Me and her friendship came out of something bad that happened, but I'm happy we ended up being friends. We used to not like each other but that was high school stupidy. Also most of the things we heard about each other were lies.  Everything happens for a reason, I truly believe in that. OK I got off topic haha even friends I rarely talk to anymore like Rachel get it.  She text me recenetly, we haven't talked in months.  I told her what was going on and she was like omg I hope you're ok.  She text me a few days later and asked to hang out, I couldn't becaue of PT and not feeling well she didn't get mad or judge she just said "ok hun I hope you feel better soon." That makes me think of people who are way to quick to judge. I also hate when you tell a friend or a loved one you're really sick and they just say ok or don't answer back.  It makes me personally feel unloved and uncared about. Maybe they don't know what to say but they could make the effort to try to understand and listen.  I am the type of person who doesn't judge and will not get mad if something happens and you have to break plans.  I also always listen and try to help my friends if they're down or going through something.  I feel that in life a true friend is extremely hard to come across. If you truly want a friendship to work, you will make it work.   Most of the time friends stop talking.  It's also prob. because everyone is growing up and making a life for themselves.  I've had issues this year with friends stabbing me in the back and it hurt bad.  Not just one but two.  It hurts when you pour your heart out to someone and later on find out the second you left, they were making fun of you and talking badly.  I think that alot of people who have trust issues are the ones who can't be trusted.  I'm not trying to bash anyone. We've all made mistakes and I'm sure everyone has talked about a friend behind their back.  There is a difference between talking behind a friends back and constantly talking behind their back and then pretending you're best friends with them. Even guys I've trusted with everything have let me down and lied straight to my face.  I don't like liars and I truly mean that. I'm not a liar and wouldn't lie. If you ask Mike he will tell you I am always straight up with him, may it be good or bad. I don't like lying to loved ones because I know how bad it hurts and will break someone down. Not saying I've never lied everyone lies, but I don't lie often and if I do it's a white lie.  I wish life turned out differently then it has. I wish I had a good job and a nice house by now. I don't but I'll eventually get a nice house. I can't work but I will try to figure something out.  I feel like a burden on all my loved ones.  Sometimes I wanna run away just so they don't have to deal with me.  I can take care of myself and if shit happens well then shit happens. I spent so much time worrying about what other people would think and would say.  I was overly nice because I feel bad about myself. That got me nowhere at all besides talked about, hurt. and lied to anyways.  Now I truly do not care.  If you wanna talk about me, think I'm lying, think I'm crazy, be my guest.  I have enough to worry about, I don't need that shit.  I'm done with drama in my life.  I'm to old for that shit.  I'm gonna try my best to be happy and take it day by day.  I'm sure I will hit some bumps in the road but that's life. I hope things get better and I start to regain trust in people I am cloestest to. I know it will take awhile. I hope this wasn't to long and boring haha just getting some thoughts out.